Stop saying sorry – why women have a tendency of being overly apologetic

“I am sorry” is a sentence that women have to forget. 

Recognising when we make mistakes and taking responsibility for our actions is something we should all do, but experts say that women tend to be overly apologetic, even in situations when they shouldn’t be sorry at all. You might be thinking that this does not apply to you, but how familiar are you with statements like: “Hey, sorry I wanted to ask your opinion on…”, “So sorry to bother again, but I wanted to follow up on…”, “Sorry for asking but…”. If you consider each of these sentences, do you think that it’s really necessary to add the word “sorry”? For example, let’s take the case of the affirmation “So sorry to bother again, but I wanted to follow up on…”. If you have a deadline and you need to complete a project you’re working on, but someone is not doing their part, why would you have to be sorry for following up? It is their job, so they should be the ones apologising for not doing it properly. 

You might be thinking that saying “sorry” helps you get to the point without coming across as aggressive or demanding, but this word is not as harmless as it might seem. Indeed, according to Tara Swart, neuroscientist and contributor to Forbes, apologising at the workplace when it’s not needed is actually counterproductive as it makes women appear as less confident and it minimises women’s worth and right in expressing what they think. Over time, this also makes male co-workers more likely to blame women compared to men, as by constantly taking the blame by overly apologising, women appear to be more blameworthy. This has detrimental effects on women and can contribute to stressing women out, making them feel like they need to be perfect in everything they do. Ultimately, this can lead to burnout or resignation. 

But where does this unhealthy habit come from? And why are women the ones exhibiting this behaviour the most? 

Studies show that this tendency of excessively apologising may be linked to societal expectations that are placed on women. Doctor Stephen Hinshaw suggests that women are raised to be patient, docile, nice and empathetic. During childhood and adolescence boys are encouraged to show their confidence and assertiveness, while young girls are told to show their intelligence, but be careful not to seem like know-it-alls, be confident, but never too much, express their ideas, but only as long as they are not upsetting to others. This double standard teaches women to be extremely careful in how they act and prioritise the opinions and needs of others over their own as to avoid negative social feedback. Other experts also point to the fact that women want to be liked. It is already difficult to deal on a daily basis with male co-workers and bosses who underestimate women’s abilities and consider men to be a better fit for the job, thus women don’t want to risk creating further conflicts and tensions. 

In brief, saying “sorry” seems to be the easiest way to ensure that women do not step on other people’s feet, and that they are liked by their co-workers, but the discriminatory origins of this behaviour and the harmful effects that it can have on women cannot be overlooked. 

So what can women do to stop this harmful behaviour? 

Although it is difficult to change such a common habit, which often happens unconsciously, avoiding saying sorry is possible. Firstly, awareness is key. Becoming aware of the times we apologise although it is unnecessary is the initial step to fixing this behaviour. This should then be followed by paying attention to language and making sure to rephrase sentences where “sorry” should not be there. 

Becoming less apologetic in the workplace and on a daily basis should be a goal we all pursue, let’s stop saying sorry!